I haven't written because I have been a terrible roller-coaster, more so than I let most people know about. My mood swings, my inconsistency with taking medication, my suicidal thoughts; omnipresent. I try and tell myself that things are fine, that I am doing okay, that if I lie to myself it will all be true. It is not all true. What is true: I fear that one day I will no longer be able to restrain myself from the blade, from the bottle of pills, from jumping off the bridge. One day, I will just do it. And then people will say, "I never saw that coming." Inside I feel like I am screaming, and no one is really listening. Or they are listening but they are playing the "it's all fine" game too....My body aches, it longs for peace and rest that it is just not getting. My head hurts from the amount of thoughts it tries to process in a short period of time. My heart grieves at what I fear I will miss and leave behind when I am gone. When, not if, when.
I watch this Twitter feed often, and see others pour out their souls about the sadness they are facing and how they no longer wish to feel the pain. I am there with you, my friends. I am feeling that, too. I want to reach out and hold your hand and let you know that we can walk this path of pain together...and that together we can find a way to end the pain.
