Broken Self-Imposed Rule

I had told myself when I started this blog that I was going to post every day; I was going to keep it like a journal so that I could monitor the ebbs and flows of my depression.  Well, rule broken.

My depression runs on a 5-6 week cycle, from what I have been able to chart so far.  And I am at the end of week 5, so I thought that I might have broken the cycle.  I think I am wrong.  Yesterday, depression set in like I haven't felt in a long time.  The fatigue, the not caring, the praying just to make it through the day, the irritability.  It's all back.  I attempted to soothe myself with a drink or two (or three), bad idea.  It just made the non-sleeping part worse, and I woke up this morning not really hungover, but certainly not feeling my best.

I think what has me the most worried about this cycle is the not caring part.  In the past when I have gotten to the low stages of my cycle, I have at least cried or worried about bottoming out.  Now, I just don't care.  It's almost as if thinking about suicide doesn't even bother me.  And, I'm thinking, that's not a good place to be in.

I did manage to make it to work today, just a short 4 hour shift, and my first 2 student appointments have already been no-shows, so I am basically just sitting in my empty office, left to think about this depression and how I can try to explain it to Dr. C tomorrow without worrying her.  I also have an appointment with Dr. H to go over meds, especially important since I have not been able to stomach the Latuda and stopped taking it.

Nothing more to really blog about today...just praying that this feeling passes quickly and that tomorrow will be a better day.

Slow Day

It's Sunday and, as usual, things are calm in our house.  No one was out of jammies before noon, Little A took a good, long nap, L and Big A got to go to Toys R Us to spend birthday gift cards.  J has now taken all three kids on a walk in the forest, and I get to relax before the whirlwind of evening activities start.

I am sad that I am out of episodes of Army Wives to watch, but I have started to stream Sister Wives through Netflix.  It's an addiction, I know, but it's so much fun to watch someone else's story and see what goes on in their lives.  It's like being a Peeping Tom, but doing it legally.

I am sad, however, because tomorrow my cousin will be giving birth to her second child.  And because of the division in the family, I won't be there to see the baby.  I am sure that I will see pictures via Facebook, but it's really not the same.  Some days this whole "alienation" thing really bugs me, like when things like this are happening.  I grew up with my cousins like we were siblings, and now because 1 person in my family had an issue with my depression, everyone has had to choose sides, and I have been left alone; abandoned by all the people who I have thought loved me throughout the years. 

Not a lot else to say...tomorrow is back to the comfortable schedule of the work-week, nanny will be here, the kids will play all morning and swim all afternoon, then pass out after dinner.  I do have an appointment with Dr. H this week which is good because since I have stopped the Latuda (it causes severe stomach cramps) I am able to see that the Wellbutrin does not do enough on it's own.  I also have an appointment with Dr. C, which could be interesting.  Last night, I might have had a few shots of Tequila Rose and then I might have accidentally texted her instead of J, stating that I was ready for more shots...don't think that's going to go over real well.  It is what it is, and I am sure that I will survive.

Good night for now, if anything interesting happens I will be sure to come back and tell you all about it!

So, I am sitting at work...

So, I am sitting at work and my mind is racing.  My last 2 student appointments have not show.  It is, after all July 3rd and my guess is most people are already starting vacations versus wanting to come in to register for Fall Classes.

I was hoping for a busy day at work to ease my mind.  It's not here.  I popped a Klonopin before I even started the work day because I was already overly-anxious.  It's not helping.  I am here now to try and type it out, to get it out into cyber-space, in the hopes that it will help calm and relax me.

I am pretty familiar with my "levels" of depression.  Level 1 is just feeling crummy, but able to get up and do stuff with a smile.  Level 2, drop that smile and grumble and complain that everything is too difficult and refuse to do even the simplest of chores.  Level 3, start withdrawing, stop talking to J, talk with a harsher tone to the kids, eat everything in site.  Level 4, stay in bed for as long as possible, stop eating, start making not-so-good plans in my head.  Level 5, full on meltdown, refusing to speak even to Dr. C, thoughts totally consumed with suicide and self-injury.

Today, I am at Level 4.  Not good.  Not good at all.

I have been taking my morning meds, although I HAD to stop the Latuda because the side-effects were overwhelming.  I have an appointment with Dr. H in a week, and hope that he can find an alternative.  I don't think the Wellbutrin alone is working. 

I have had major issues bot yesterday and today with eating.  I just can't do it.  I feel sick to my stomach and the thought of putting food in there makes me want to gag.  And this is from a chronic over-eater.  Not good.  Not good at all.

I have two more days before I have an appointment with Dr. C.  I am trying to avoid e-mailing her, sometimes it just seems like the e-mails are a pathetic waste of time.  I am sure they come across whiny and juvenile, and besides, I don't have the energy for it.

T-minus 3 hours and counting until I can get back into bed, put ArmyWives on Netflix, and just forget about the day.  Right now, it can't come soon enough.

Practice Makes Perfect

So, I have a follow-up today with Dr. C....it's actually my regular appointment time, but since we added a session on Tuesday this week, it's like a bonus!  I have been practicing in my head what I want to say.  I know that probably sounds weird, but it's the only way that I can get things out when I get to session.  Otherwise, despite the fact that I feel super comfortable with her, I won't be able to say a thing.  It's like an alternative personality comes out and takes over.  I need to remember to talk to her about how manic I felt on Wednesday, and how, even though I know that I am in a MUCH better place than I was on Monday, I am still feeling really blah.

I am, however, super excited for next week already!  Both L and Big A have birthdays, and it's bound to be a fun filled week!  I am going to make Big A, who turns 6 on Tuesday, a pink lemonade cake and I am going to make my not-so-baby-anymore 7 year old, L, a purple cake for Thursday!  We then have two birthday parties for friends next week, so by Sunday we will be ready to crash and relax....perhaps it will call for a day at the beach.....

What was that?

So, last night....really weird.  I think I had a small manic episode or something.  I was SOOO wound up, could not calm down, felt wired and like I could conquer the world, which is a complete 360 from how I felt the day before.  It took a good 30 minutes of soothing from my husband to get me to the point that I could lay down and even consider resting my eyes.  Was it a medication glitch?  I am just getting back on my meds after about 6 weeks off of them, and Dr. C has asked that my psychiatrist add Klonopin to my daily list (Also on Latuda, 80MG, and 300MG of Wellbutrin).  That script is coming via the mail (hopefully today) and I was told that that should also help with some of my daily anxiety.

So, yeah, 6 weeks without meds.  I thought I could do it.  I thought that I knew what was best for my body and mind and that I was strong enough to handle it.  I thought wrong.  Almost a complete crash and burn.  If Dr.C wasn't so liberal, well, I am pretty sure that I would have ended back in the hospital.  She is very (very) calm when it comes to talking about suicide and my thoughts regarding it.  So as long as I don't say "When I leave here I am going to kill myself," it's ok to tell her what I have been thinking and feeling.  That's a huge help.  I think that there is so much stigma around the concept of suicide that people don't want to discuss it.  And yet I find that when I DON'T talk about it when I am going through a down time it's ten times worse.  Allowing me to vent it, and then her being able to counter-argue it, helpful with two thumbs up.

Today has been good...I found an online forum called DepressionForums.org and am really enjoying reading some of the posts and links to blogs that are on there.  Work is VERY slow now that students are in their summer session, so I have the ability to putz around on the computer a lot more.  Check the forums out, and let me know if you join!