Broken Self-Imposed Rule

I had told myself when I started this blog that I was going to post every day; I was going to keep it like a journal so that I could monitor the ebbs and flows of my depression.  Well, rule broken.

My depression runs on a 5-6 week cycle, from what I have been able to chart so far.  And I am at the end of week 5, so I thought that I might have broken the cycle.  I think I am wrong.  Yesterday, depression set in like I haven't felt in a long time.  The fatigue, the not caring, the praying just to make it through the day, the irritability.  It's all back.  I attempted to soothe myself with a drink or two (or three), bad idea.  It just made the non-sleeping part worse, and I woke up this morning not really hungover, but certainly not feeling my best.

I think what has me the most worried about this cycle is the not caring part.  In the past when I have gotten to the low stages of my cycle, I have at least cried or worried about bottoming out.  Now, I just don't care.  It's almost as if thinking about suicide doesn't even bother me.  And, I'm thinking, that's not a good place to be in.

I did manage to make it to work today, just a short 4 hour shift, and my first 2 student appointments have already been no-shows, so I am basically just sitting in my empty office, left to think about this depression and how I can try to explain it to Dr. C tomorrow without worrying her.  I also have an appointment with Dr. H to go over meds, especially important since I have not been able to stomach the Latuda and stopped taking it.

Nothing more to really blog about today...just praying that this feeling passes quickly and that tomorrow will be a better day.