Yesterday was a tremendously bittersweet day for me.
I know that I have mentioned before that my family of origin is not speaking to me because they became frustrated and overwhelmed last year when I was going through my deepest bouts of depression. Well, the only person who has attempted to keep contact is my sister-in-law, my older brother's wife. We have been trying for months to get together, but with 5 active kids between us nailing down a date was difficult!
We were finally able to plan a swim date at their community pool yesterday, and it was wonderful! Her two kids, E (who is now 9) and W (who is 5) have grown so much! And they were overjoyed to have three hours to play with their cousins. We exchanged presents for missed birthdays, had lunch, and swam until my kids were ready to pass out. We did have to end it a bit early because Big A had a stomach ache and couldn't swim anymore (something that's still going on).
It was wonderful to reconnect. We never talked about the family and what's going on, but talked a lot about the kids and what they have been up to, plans for the remainder of summer, and worked on finding a date to meet up again.
Then, later last night, she sent me a message thanking me for coming. Even better then that was she said that it was important to her that the cousins keep getting together no matter who is talking to who. I must admit, it choked me up a little. My family was so close; we did everything together. having that missing for the past year has been horrible. On some level there has been benefits, it has allowed J and I to start building our own family traditions for holidays and birthdays, but it kills me that the kids have gone for so long without seeing my parents.
Today is Saturday and we are laying low as a family. The kids helped J wash both cars and I have been concentrating on getting this week's laundry done. Makes me shake my head with how quick clothes add up to large piles when there 5 people in a house! I am still having problems eating, I have been getting terrible stomach aches about 20 minutes after consuming anything, which makes me not want to eat anything. But today I have a little hope, thanks to yesterday's trip, that eventually everything will work out the way it's supposed to.
Showing posts with label L. Show all posts
Showing posts with label L. Show all posts
Saturday, July 13, 2013
Sunday, July 7, 2013
Slow Day
It's Sunday and, as usual, things are calm in our house. No one was out of jammies before noon, Little A took a good, long nap, L and Big A got to go to Toys R Us to spend birthday gift cards. J has now taken all three kids on a walk in the forest, and I get to relax before the whirlwind of evening activities start.
I am sad that I am out of episodes of Army Wives to watch, but I have started to stream Sister Wives through Netflix. It's an addiction, I know, but it's so much fun to watch someone else's story and see what goes on in their lives. It's like being a Peeping Tom, but doing it legally.
I am sad, however, because tomorrow my cousin will be giving birth to her second child. And because of the division in the family, I won't be there to see the baby. I am sure that I will see pictures via Facebook, but it's really not the same. Some days this whole "alienation" thing really bugs me, like when things like this are happening. I grew up with my cousins like we were siblings, and now because 1 person in my family had an issue with my depression, everyone has had to choose sides, and I have been left alone; abandoned by all the people who I have thought loved me throughout the years.
Not a lot else to say...tomorrow is back to the comfortable schedule of the work-week, nanny will be here, the kids will play all morning and swim all afternoon, then pass out after dinner. I do have an appointment with Dr. H this week which is good because since I have stopped the Latuda (it causes severe stomach cramps) I am able to see that the Wellbutrin does not do enough on it's own. I also have an appointment with Dr. C, which could be interesting. Last night, I might have had a few shots of Tequila Rose and then I might have accidentally texted her instead of J, stating that I was ready for more shots...don't think that's going to go over real well. It is what it is, and I am sure that I will survive.
Good night for now, if anything interesting happens I will be sure to come back and tell you all about it!
I am sad that I am out of episodes of Army Wives to watch, but I have started to stream Sister Wives through Netflix. It's an addiction, I know, but it's so much fun to watch someone else's story and see what goes on in their lives. It's like being a Peeping Tom, but doing it legally.
I am sad, however, because tomorrow my cousin will be giving birth to her second child. And because of the division in the family, I won't be there to see the baby. I am sure that I will see pictures via Facebook, but it's really not the same. Some days this whole "alienation" thing really bugs me, like when things like this are happening. I grew up with my cousins like we were siblings, and now because 1 person in my family had an issue with my depression, everyone has had to choose sides, and I have been left alone; abandoned by all the people who I have thought loved me throughout the years.
Not a lot else to say...tomorrow is back to the comfortable schedule of the work-week, nanny will be here, the kids will play all morning and swim all afternoon, then pass out after dinner. I do have an appointment with Dr. H this week which is good because since I have stopped the Latuda (it causes severe stomach cramps) I am able to see that the Wellbutrin does not do enough on it's own. I also have an appointment with Dr. C, which could be interesting. Last night, I might have had a few shots of Tequila Rose and then I might have accidentally texted her instead of J, stating that I was ready for more shots...don't think that's going to go over real well. It is what it is, and I am sure that I will survive.
Good night for now, if anything interesting happens I will be sure to come back and tell you all about it!
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
Working away the depression
It's 7:30AM and oddly quiet in the house. Usually by now Little A is awake and asking for breakfast and RescueBots on the living room TV. And it's not like they did an extensive amount of exercising or playing yesterday that has exhausted them. Weather in Chicago is being, well, it's Chicago weather. It's never predictable and usually off-season. Meaning, it's July 3rd and the high is 72 with rain all day. Shouldn't we be into the 90's by now?
Yesterday marked the start of my diminished work-week. When I was hired at the local Community College as an academic advisor, my position was called "Casual advisor", meaning less than part-time. Two months ago when I started, I was thankful that it would be about 9-10 hours a week. Since I had been out of work for 18 months, I thought this would be a great way to slide back in. Then my supervisor offered for the position to go up to 25 hours a week due to it being a busy registration time, and I thought about the money I would make and agreed. But, part of the deal is that I would go back to 9 hours starting July 1st, the new fiscal year. So, I didn't work yesterday. And it drove me CRAZY!
Before all this happened, and I don't know if I have talked about it here or not, I was both an adjunct faculty member and an academic advisor for a nation-wide, for-profit university. I taught my classes, Critical Thinking, on-line and it fit in perfect with my schedule. I could work all day, come home, do dinner, put the kids to bed, and then teach. But everything dropped with the depression. And I was pretty sure that I would never be able to get my career back on track. Starting work at this college was a step in the right direction. And while I was concerned that mentally I wouldn't be able to handle working, it turned out to be so good for me that I was busy again. I didn't have time to think about depression so much when I was working. I was getting out of the house which was forcing me to shower and dress on a daily basis. I was meeting new people. And, as luck would have it, my job is literally 5 minutes from where J works so we were able to do lunches together. I know that that helped bring back so intimacy that our relationship was lacking.
But now I am down to 9 hours a week, and being home all day yesterday was, well, odd. Not that I don't enjoy being with my kids, but I have been fighting the Depression Lion this week and the last thing I needed was a day in pj's watching ArmyWives. I did get up and shower about noon as L and Big A had their annual check-ups, but I also still had the nanny come and she spent the morning and the remainder of the afternoon with them. And then as I crawled into bed at the same time as the kids, about 8PM, I realized that I had broken my thou-must-blog-every-day command. I was disappointed in myself, but did not have the energy to get up and post.
So, here I sit, early morning, alone (still! I am shocked) with my computer in the kitchen. I see a stack of last night's, well, honestly, the last two night's dishes on the kitchen counter and I know I need to get those in the dishwasher before the nanny gets here. I am pretty sure that I need to do a load of laundry if my kids are to have clean clothes to wear. I am positive that I need to do laundry for me if I am going to have clothes to wear to work. My mind is spinning on the amount of cleaning that needs to be done before we host a 4th of July BBQ tomorrow. And I have zero motivation.
Sigh.
Depression sucks.
Yesterday marked the start of my diminished work-week. When I was hired at the local Community College as an academic advisor, my position was called "Casual advisor", meaning less than part-time. Two months ago when I started, I was thankful that it would be about 9-10 hours a week. Since I had been out of work for 18 months, I thought this would be a great way to slide back in. Then my supervisor offered for the position to go up to 25 hours a week due to it being a busy registration time, and I thought about the money I would make and agreed. But, part of the deal is that I would go back to 9 hours starting July 1st, the new fiscal year. So, I didn't work yesterday. And it drove me CRAZY!
Before all this happened, and I don't know if I have talked about it here or not, I was both an adjunct faculty member and an academic advisor for a nation-wide, for-profit university. I taught my classes, Critical Thinking, on-line and it fit in perfect with my schedule. I could work all day, come home, do dinner, put the kids to bed, and then teach. But everything dropped with the depression. And I was pretty sure that I would never be able to get my career back on track. Starting work at this college was a step in the right direction. And while I was concerned that mentally I wouldn't be able to handle working, it turned out to be so good for me that I was busy again. I didn't have time to think about depression so much when I was working. I was getting out of the house which was forcing me to shower and dress on a daily basis. I was meeting new people. And, as luck would have it, my job is literally 5 minutes from where J works so we were able to do lunches together. I know that that helped bring back so intimacy that our relationship was lacking.
But now I am down to 9 hours a week, and being home all day yesterday was, well, odd. Not that I don't enjoy being with my kids, but I have been fighting the Depression Lion this week and the last thing I needed was a day in pj's watching ArmyWives. I did get up and shower about noon as L and Big A had their annual check-ups, but I also still had the nanny come and she spent the morning and the remainder of the afternoon with them. And then as I crawled into bed at the same time as the kids, about 8PM, I realized that I had broken my thou-must-blog-every-day command. I was disappointed in myself, but did not have the energy to get up and post.
So, here I sit, early morning, alone (still! I am shocked) with my computer in the kitchen. I see a stack of last night's, well, honestly, the last two night's dishes on the kitchen counter and I know I need to get those in the dishwasher before the nanny gets here. I am pretty sure that I need to do a load of laundry if my kids are to have clean clothes to wear. I am positive that I need to do laundry for me if I am going to have clothes to wear to work. My mind is spinning on the amount of cleaning that needs to be done before we host a 4th of July BBQ tomorrow. And I have zero motivation.
Sigh.
Depression sucks.
Sunday, June 30, 2013
Until I make it to tomorrow
Tonight should be a perfect example of a beautiful summer night in Chicago. It's in the mid 70's, we have all doors and windows open so there is a soft breeze blowing through the house. The kids have been fed, both a healthy dinner and then chocolate dipped ice-cream cones from McDonalds. They are now in the backyard, running and screaming, burning off extra energy and sugar in the hopes that they will sleep past 7AM tomorrow. J has made himself comfortable with our dog, Mia, on the back porch and has been pretty silent, except for the occasionally need to tell L to not be so bossy or remind Little A that they have to share toys in the sandbox. It should be a beautiful night.
I am sitting at our oversized kitchen table, a round, 8 person table with a lazy-susan in the middle. It sits on my freshly washed white tiled floor, surrounded by stucco and deep yellow walls. The almost-white counters are as clean as they will ever be, littered with library books that are due back tomorrow, various Rescue Bots that Little A got for his birthday party yesterday, and a pan of leftover purple cupcakes. While there is a stack of dishes to be done, looking at them reminds me that we just had a family dinner, something that is rare during the busy summer months, especially since I have been working until 7PM lately. I should be content. I should be happy.
Yesterday we had what I should consider a very successful birthday party for the kids. Since L, Big A, and Little A's birthdays are all within a month of each other we simply have one giant party. We rent out a local pool, invite all of their friends and families, order several dozen pizzas and just let them loose. We had about 60 people in attendance last night, something I was happy with considering the weather in Chicago went from being in the upper 80's to a very chilly 68 last night. Of course, little kids don't give two thoughts to cold weather; they were to anxious to jump in the pool and go down the two story tall waterslide! The parents sat bundled in coats and watched their children turn from adorable little kids to blue-lipped monsters. I should be thankful.
But I am not.
Tonight depression is rearing its ugly head.
Tonight I am not a good mother, I am a slacker who is doing whatever she can to avoid contact with her children.
Tonight I am a bad wife because dinner was a simple set of leftovers, both pasta from the other night and pizza from last night. Not that anyone complained, but I should have done better for a Sunday night dinner.
Tonight I don't like myself. I can feel every pound on my body and I wish I could literally take a pair of scissors and cut off unwanted pieces.
Tonight I want to crawl into a ball in my bed, pull the blanket up over my head, and just shut out the world.
Tonight I think thoughts that are too overwhelming and triggering to put into words. I think thoughts that would end this depression.
Tonight I worry that this past week of somewhat contentment is breaking way for a week of going downhill. I worry, as I always do, that I will not survive another round of deep depression and anxiety.
Tonight I will shut everything out as soon as the kids go to bed (T-minus 15 minutes), watch a few episodes of ArmyWives on Netflix, and just breath.
Tomorrow, well, I know that if I can make it to tomorrow I will have survived tonight. And for now that's all I can do.
I am sitting at our oversized kitchen table, a round, 8 person table with a lazy-susan in the middle. It sits on my freshly washed white tiled floor, surrounded by stucco and deep yellow walls. The almost-white counters are as clean as they will ever be, littered with library books that are due back tomorrow, various Rescue Bots that Little A got for his birthday party yesterday, and a pan of leftover purple cupcakes. While there is a stack of dishes to be done, looking at them reminds me that we just had a family dinner, something that is rare during the busy summer months, especially since I have been working until 7PM lately. I should be content. I should be happy.
Yesterday we had what I should consider a very successful birthday party for the kids. Since L, Big A, and Little A's birthdays are all within a month of each other we simply have one giant party. We rent out a local pool, invite all of their friends and families, order several dozen pizzas and just let them loose. We had about 60 people in attendance last night, something I was happy with considering the weather in Chicago went from being in the upper 80's to a very chilly 68 last night. Of course, little kids don't give two thoughts to cold weather; they were to anxious to jump in the pool and go down the two story tall waterslide! The parents sat bundled in coats and watched their children turn from adorable little kids to blue-lipped monsters. I should be thankful.
But I am not.
Tonight depression is rearing its ugly head.
Tonight I am not a good mother, I am a slacker who is doing whatever she can to avoid contact with her children.
Tonight I am a bad wife because dinner was a simple set of leftovers, both pasta from the other night and pizza from last night. Not that anyone complained, but I should have done better for a Sunday night dinner.
Tonight I don't like myself. I can feel every pound on my body and I wish I could literally take a pair of scissors and cut off unwanted pieces.
Tonight I want to crawl into a ball in my bed, pull the blanket up over my head, and just shut out the world.
Tonight I think thoughts that are too overwhelming and triggering to put into words. I think thoughts that would end this depression.
Tonight I worry that this past week of somewhat contentment is breaking way for a week of going downhill. I worry, as I always do, that I will not survive another round of deep depression and anxiety.
Tonight I will shut everything out as soon as the kids go to bed (T-minus 15 minutes), watch a few episodes of ArmyWives on Netflix, and just breath.
Tomorrow, well, I know that if I can make it to tomorrow I will have survived tonight. And for now that's all I can do.
Sunday, June 23, 2013
Life's a Beach
I love the beach. I mean really, really love the beach. I love the sand, the smell of the water, the sun shining down. I like to walk along the edge of the water and let the waves tickle my toes. I love to sit on a blanket and watch the tide go in and out. It's peaceful. It's calm. It's beautiful.
I love taking the kids to the beach. While they still need supervision, it's pretty much three hours or so that I can relax without having to tell them not to run, to fight, not to be too loud. They get to "be" and I get a break. So, with J wanting to go on an organized bike ride today, I decided to pack the kids up and go to the beach. We made a lunch, packed some snacks and extra water, grabbed the sand toys are we were off. Early, too. We left the house by 8:45AM. It's about a 30 minute drive, and just as I was about to pull my hair out from hearing Little A ask, "are we there yet?" we arrived! The beach parking lot was full, so we had to park about two blocks away. I was mentally thinking "This is not a big deal now, but trying to get all this stuff plus three tired kids back to the car is not going to be fun." We set up camp, sprayed on the sunscreen, and they were off. There were a few tiffs and tats, but most of all it was a wonderful three hours. They took breaks as needed, made sure that I was as full of sand as possible, and generally had a good time wearing themselves out. The walk back to the car was as painful as I had predicted, but I kept enticing them with the promise of cold Capri-Suns that I had left in a cooler in the car. It helped, but not much.
The ride home was uneventful as they were tired and pretty much just drank their juice and listened to music. A quick dip in the tub for everyone, and Little A was already in his bed waiting for me to tuck him in for a nap before I even got there! Big A and L took their iPads into their rooms, and I smiled as I realized that I had earned myself at least another 2 hours of peace. I showered myself, pulled on comfy pajamas, and settled in for a few episodes of "ArmyWives" on Netflix.
Today was a good day, and I wanted to make sure I blogged about it for a few reasons. First, few days are few and far between lately, and I need something to remind myself that they are possible for those times when it is looking down. Second, while this blog is mainly focused on my struggles with depression, I want others to know that good day do happen! And third, I want to remember as many of these special moments with my kids as possible. They are growing fast, and I know that the time will come soon when they don't want to be at the beach with me, no matter how fabulous it is.
I love taking the kids to the beach. While they still need supervision, it's pretty much three hours or so that I can relax without having to tell them not to run, to fight, not to be too loud. They get to "be" and I get a break. So, with J wanting to go on an organized bike ride today, I decided to pack the kids up and go to the beach. We made a lunch, packed some snacks and extra water, grabbed the sand toys are we were off. Early, too. We left the house by 8:45AM. It's about a 30 minute drive, and just as I was about to pull my hair out from hearing Little A ask, "are we there yet?" we arrived! The beach parking lot was full, so we had to park about two blocks away. I was mentally thinking "This is not a big deal now, but trying to get all this stuff plus three tired kids back to the car is not going to be fun." We set up camp, sprayed on the sunscreen, and they were off. There were a few tiffs and tats, but most of all it was a wonderful three hours. They took breaks as needed, made sure that I was as full of sand as possible, and generally had a good time wearing themselves out. The walk back to the car was as painful as I had predicted, but I kept enticing them with the promise of cold Capri-Suns that I had left in a cooler in the car. It helped, but not much.
The ride home was uneventful as they were tired and pretty much just drank their juice and listened to music. A quick dip in the tub for everyone, and Little A was already in his bed waiting for me to tuck him in for a nap before I even got there! Big A and L took their iPads into their rooms, and I smiled as I realized that I had earned myself at least another 2 hours of peace. I showered myself, pulled on comfy pajamas, and settled in for a few episodes of "ArmyWives" on Netflix.
Today was a good day, and I wanted to make sure I blogged about it for a few reasons. First, few days are few and far between lately, and I need something to remind myself that they are possible for those times when it is looking down. Second, while this blog is mainly focused on my struggles with depression, I want others to know that good day do happen! And third, I want to remember as many of these special moments with my kids as possible. They are growing fast, and I know that the time will come soon when they don't want to be at the beach with me, no matter how fabulous it is.
Saturday, June 22, 2013
Going Blonde
I am still pretty shaken from yesterday. It was a hard night, and has turned into a hard day. J asked if I wanted to talk about it, I said no. I had e-mailed him what I typed to you all on the blog as I knew that I would not be able to get that all out again. He was great. He just held me and let me cry. This morning we both got to sleep in until about 8AM...which is a huge treat. J made breakfast, I crawled back into bed after about an hour. I just didn't want to face the day. The weight of my sorrow from yesterday still covered me like a heavy blanket, and I didn't/couldn't shake it. I watched "ArmyWives" on my phone for about two hours, and J took the kids to the local Nature Center to get them out of the house. A quick lunch for the kidos, Little A put himself down for a nap (I LOVE when he does that), and that left me with time to think.
10 years ago this summer was probably the best summer of my life. I had just ended a 7 year relationship and felt free. Totally free. I was confident in myself, in my appearance, in who I was. I filled out some online dating website profiles, and before I knew it, I was going on dates left and right. Some dates lasted hours, one barely lasted 30 minutes. Some guys came back, some didn't. And I was fine with it all. I was young, 25, blonde, in better shape than I am now, and carefree. At the end on the summer, I met J online. Icing on the cake. Best. Summer. Ever.
I want to get back to that. To that confident, sassy, carefree girl that I was. I want that body back. I want that hair back. And, when I am not doing so hot, I tend to make impulse decisions. So, L had a birthday party this afternoon; dropped her off, stopped at Walgreens, and I now have "Ultra Pale Blonde" sitting on my head. For about 25 more minutes. It's either going to make my dark blonde hair just the shade that I want, or come out some horrid shade of redish-blonde. (My hair tends to turn red very easy). We will see soon...
Bottom line, putting the dye in my hair has acted as a pick-me-up. I can literally feel it. Well, it's either that or the Klonopin I took a little while ago. I am working to make changes in my life for me, not for anyone else. I am refusing to let the events of yesterday totally spoil my weekend. I had planned to take the kids to the beach tomorrow if the weather holds out while J is going on a biking event. I want to do that, to make good memories for my kids. I want to go on, because I cannot base the rest of my life on waiting on text messages from my family that may never come. I need to be here. I need to be here now. And, gosh darnit, I need to be blonde!
10 years ago this summer was probably the best summer of my life. I had just ended a 7 year relationship and felt free. Totally free. I was confident in myself, in my appearance, in who I was. I filled out some online dating website profiles, and before I knew it, I was going on dates left and right. Some dates lasted hours, one barely lasted 30 minutes. Some guys came back, some didn't. And I was fine with it all. I was young, 25, blonde, in better shape than I am now, and carefree. At the end on the summer, I met J online. Icing on the cake. Best. Summer. Ever.
I want to get back to that. To that confident, sassy, carefree girl that I was. I want that body back. I want that hair back. And, when I am not doing so hot, I tend to make impulse decisions. So, L had a birthday party this afternoon; dropped her off, stopped at Walgreens, and I now have "Ultra Pale Blonde" sitting on my head. For about 25 more minutes. It's either going to make my dark blonde hair just the shade that I want, or come out some horrid shade of redish-blonde. (My hair tends to turn red very easy). We will see soon...
Bottom line, putting the dye in my hair has acted as a pick-me-up. I can literally feel it. Well, it's either that or the Klonopin I took a little while ago. I am working to make changes in my life for me, not for anyone else. I am refusing to let the events of yesterday totally spoil my weekend. I had planned to take the kids to the beach tomorrow if the weather holds out while J is going on a biking event. I want to do that, to make good memories for my kids. I want to go on, because I cannot base the rest of my life on waiting on text messages from my family that may never come. I need to be here. I need to be here now. And, gosh darnit, I need to be blonde!
Thursday, June 20, 2013
My little L is turning 7!
Seven years ago today I learned the meaning of true pain. Gut-wrenching pain. Pain so bad you want to chew your arm off because you think that would hurt less. Or, as some people know it: labor. Seven years ago today I also learned the meaning of unconditional love as I held my first baby,L, for the very first time. That tiny tiny baby girl, all wrapped up in white blankets and a knit pink hat on her head, big dark eyes staring up at me...that is true love. We grew together. She taught me how to be a mom. She was patient when I made mistakes, and guided me gently when I tried to learn her cries. She grew into a fiesty toddler, talking long before most children her age, her little blonde pigtails bobbing from each side. She has a smile that can light up a room, infectious laughter, incrediable sense of compasion. She also, at times, is a 17 year old teenager who thinks she is wise beyond her years and that I am the stupidest thing that was ever born. She makes me laugh, she has made me cry, and she always makes me want to do better.
Over this past year, she has changed a lot, and I think some of that has to do with my sickness. She is way more snuggly then she used to be. She comes into my room almost every morning, wrapped in her blanket, warm from her slumber, and crawls up next to me, her head nestling right under my chin. I stroke her hair, kiss her head gently, and tell her I love her. I then try and think of stories to tell her about when she was little, the funny or naughty things that she used to do.
She also has a fierce temper and is quick to cry, something that wasn't present before, And when she cries, she shuts down. She won't talk, won't move, just stands there and cries. It's painful to watch as I know that is what happens to me when I get frustrated and shut-down. I have learned over a few months that the only thing that makes it better is to hold her. I let her cry, hold her tight, and tell her that it's going to be ok. I don't try and pry for what happened, or for her to tell me how she is feeling; she doesn't want to talk about it. She just wants to be held.
I love my L more than I ever thought I possibly could love anything. I am so proud of her, and cannot wait to see what the next 7 years bring.
Happy Birthday, L! Make a wish, blow out the candles, and dream it will come true!
Over this past year, she has changed a lot, and I think some of that has to do with my sickness. She is way more snuggly then she used to be. She comes into my room almost every morning, wrapped in her blanket, warm from her slumber, and crawls up next to me, her head nestling right under my chin. I stroke her hair, kiss her head gently, and tell her I love her. I then try and think of stories to tell her about when she was little, the funny or naughty things that she used to do.
She also has a fierce temper and is quick to cry, something that wasn't present before, And when she cries, she shuts down. She won't talk, won't move, just stands there and cries. It's painful to watch as I know that is what happens to me when I get frustrated and shut-down. I have learned over a few months that the only thing that makes it better is to hold her. I let her cry, hold her tight, and tell her that it's going to be ok. I don't try and pry for what happened, or for her to tell me how she is feeling; she doesn't want to talk about it. She just wants to be held.
I love my L more than I ever thought I possibly could love anything. I am so proud of her, and cannot wait to see what the next 7 years bring.
Happy Birthday, L! Make a wish, blow out the candles, and dream it will come true!
Saturday, June 15, 2013
I heart Klonopin
Really. It's my drug of choice. It makes (almost) everything better...Almost. Dr. C says it's like aspirin, you take it when you need a quick fix and 20 minutes later you are feeling better. Yup, pretty much.
Today, I woke early with Little A, who doesn't know how to sleep past 7AM. We watched some TV, snuggled a little, made breakfast. It wasn't long before the rest of the clan was awake, and I made J and I our special weekend breakfast sandwich. L and I hit up Walmart early because I cannot STAND the crowds and the type of people who are there later in the day. And since we are hosting Father's Day tomorrow, there were a few things that I still had to get. We were in and out, 20 minutes flat.
This afternoon, B, our summer nanny and babysitter extraordinar, took the kids for a few hours so that we could get Big A and L birthday presents. I cannot believe that they will be 6 and 7 this week! We hit up Toys R Us, crowded and filled with kids who were whining and crying and parents who were literally pushing other adults out of the way in the aisles. It was insane! We were able to get Big A her Lalaloopsy and the Scooter she wanted, and splurged a little and got L a karaoke machine. A little more then we had intended to spend, but they are worth it.
Anyway, I could feel myself getting anxious and overwhelmed with so many people and so much noise, and was ready to leave the store after about 15 minutes. The checkout lines were ridiculous, and by the time we reached outside of the store I was feeling the tightness of panic in my chest. And, against my better judgement, we still had to go back to Walmart because I had forgotten a few things. Let's just say, there is a reason that I don't go to Walmart in the afternoon. Holy cow. I know that there is a place in the world for everyone, but still. It made the panic and anxiety so much worse. We stopped at McD's for Diet Cokes and rushed home to get my meds....and now, about 30 minutes later, I am feeling much better. The kids are running around the house playing with water guns that J bought for tomorrow and I am choosing to ignore until someone gets hurt. And someone always gets hurt. My kitchen and living room are clean and smell great, we just need to pick up the bathroom and front hall for tomorrow.....now tomorrow....Father's Day at my house, that will be a true test of Klonopin and its magical powers....
Today, I woke early with Little A, who doesn't know how to sleep past 7AM. We watched some TV, snuggled a little, made breakfast. It wasn't long before the rest of the clan was awake, and I made J and I our special weekend breakfast sandwich. L and I hit up Walmart early because I cannot STAND the crowds and the type of people who are there later in the day. And since we are hosting Father's Day tomorrow, there were a few things that I still had to get. We were in and out, 20 minutes flat.
This afternoon, B, our summer nanny and babysitter extraordinar, took the kids for a few hours so that we could get Big A and L birthday presents. I cannot believe that they will be 6 and 7 this week! We hit up Toys R Us, crowded and filled with kids who were whining and crying and parents who were literally pushing other adults out of the way in the aisles. It was insane! We were able to get Big A her Lalaloopsy and the Scooter she wanted, and splurged a little and got L a karaoke machine. A little more then we had intended to spend, but they are worth it.
Anyway, I could feel myself getting anxious and overwhelmed with so many people and so much noise, and was ready to leave the store after about 15 minutes. The checkout lines were ridiculous, and by the time we reached outside of the store I was feeling the tightness of panic in my chest. And, against my better judgement, we still had to go back to Walmart because I had forgotten a few things. Let's just say, there is a reason that I don't go to Walmart in the afternoon. Holy cow. I know that there is a place in the world for everyone, but still. It made the panic and anxiety so much worse. We stopped at McD's for Diet Cokes and rushed home to get my meds....and now, about 30 minutes later, I am feeling much better. The kids are running around the house playing with water guns that J bought for tomorrow and I am choosing to ignore until someone gets hurt. And someone always gets hurt. My kitchen and living room are clean and smell great, we just need to pick up the bathroom and front hall for tomorrow.....now tomorrow....Father's Day at my house, that will be a true test of Klonopin and its magical powers....
Friday, June 14, 2013
Practice Makes Perfect
So, I have a follow-up today with Dr. C....it's actually my regular appointment time, but since we added a session on Tuesday this week, it's like a bonus! I have been practicing in my head what I want to say. I know that probably sounds weird, but it's the only way that I can get things out when I get to session. Otherwise, despite the fact that I feel super comfortable with her, I won't be able to say a thing. It's like an alternative personality comes out and takes over. I need to remember to talk to her about how manic I felt on Wednesday, and how, even though I know that I am in a MUCH better place than I was on Monday, I am still feeling really blah.
I am, however, super excited for next week already! Both L and Big A have birthdays, and it's bound to be a fun filled week! I am going to make Big A, who turns 6 on Tuesday, a pink lemonade cake and I am going to make my not-so-baby-anymore 7 year old, L, a purple cake for Thursday! We then have two birthday parties for friends next week, so by Sunday we will be ready to crash and relax....perhaps it will call for a day at the beach.....
I am, however, super excited for next week already! Both L and Big A have birthdays, and it's bound to be a fun filled week! I am going to make Big A, who turns 6 on Tuesday, a pink lemonade cake and I am going to make my not-so-baby-anymore 7 year old, L, a purple cake for Thursday! We then have two birthday parties for friends next week, so by Sunday we will be ready to crash and relax....perhaps it will call for a day at the beach.....
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Bits and Pieces
I suppose that I could scribble out my life story for you here, but then that would leave me nothing to blog about on days that my mind draws a blank. So, we'll just tell it in bits and pieces.
Right now my family consists of me, my husband (let's call him J), and my three children : L, Big A, and Little A. We have a dog and a cat and a tank full of fish. Our house is a standard 3 bedroom-two bathroom ranch in a little subdivision just north of Chicago. J and I both work; he has been at his company in the IT department for over 15 years and I work as an advisor at the local community college. We are doing "well-enough" right now, no extravagant trips to Hawaii or Disney world, but we pay the mortgage, the kids go to Catholic school, and we have a little money for pizza on the weekends. Overall, it should be a happy life. It should be everything that I want. But, as fellow depression-junkies will tell you, should doesn't mean anything when you are down.
My latest round of depression started in September 2011. Just about 21 month ago. Long time, and yet it seems like yesterday. I was in the process of getting psychological clearance to have lap-band surgery (more on this to come) and after meeting with the psychologist, well, things just started to fall apart. My current therapist, Dr. C, describes it as "ripping the bandage off of years of pain and leaving me there to bleed." Except the bleeding was more of a hemorrhage and quickly started to get out of control. I was placed on medication that I swear made me even more crazy, I was placed into day programs to learn methods of coping (umm...big failure there), I was hospitalized when it seemed like my doctors didn't know what else to do with me. It wasn't until January of this year when I started working really hard with Dr. C that things started to calm down a bit. (Note: I actually started to work with her in October of 2012, but due to my needing to build trust and other issues, the real work didn't start until January.)
So, here I am now. Back at work after being on leave since October 2012, learning how to put depression aside during the day so I can concentrate on being a mom, a wife, a good worker. Then at night, I curl into my beloved bed, pull up the covers, let J rub my back, and release the demons.
Bits and Pieces for today....more to come tomorrow...
Right now my family consists of me, my husband (let's call him J), and my three children : L, Big A, and Little A. We have a dog and a cat and a tank full of fish. Our house is a standard 3 bedroom-two bathroom ranch in a little subdivision just north of Chicago. J and I both work; he has been at his company in the IT department for over 15 years and I work as an advisor at the local community college. We are doing "well-enough" right now, no extravagant trips to Hawaii or Disney world, but we pay the mortgage, the kids go to Catholic school, and we have a little money for pizza on the weekends. Overall, it should be a happy life. It should be everything that I want. But, as fellow depression-junkies will tell you, should doesn't mean anything when you are down.
My latest round of depression started in September 2011. Just about 21 month ago. Long time, and yet it seems like yesterday. I was in the process of getting psychological clearance to have lap-band surgery (more on this to come) and after meeting with the psychologist, well, things just started to fall apart. My current therapist, Dr. C, describes it as "ripping the bandage off of years of pain and leaving me there to bleed." Except the bleeding was more of a hemorrhage and quickly started to get out of control. I was placed on medication that I swear made me even more crazy, I was placed into day programs to learn methods of coping (umm...big failure there), I was hospitalized when it seemed like my doctors didn't know what else to do with me. It wasn't until January of this year when I started working really hard with Dr. C that things started to calm down a bit. (Note: I actually started to work with her in October of 2012, but due to my needing to build trust and other issues, the real work didn't start until January.)
So, here I am now. Back at work after being on leave since October 2012, learning how to put depression aside during the day so I can concentrate on being a mom, a wife, a good worker. Then at night, I curl into my beloved bed, pull up the covers, let J rub my back, and release the demons.
Bits and Pieces for today....more to come tomorrow...
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