2 weeks

I've been distant.  I've been pretty much non-existant for almost 2 weeks now.

The depression came back and reared it's ugly head.  And it was not pretty.

I stopped taking my meds.  I started to resist, even though I kept going, therapy.  I was making stupid choices and shutting out the people who cared about me.

I lined up the pill bottles.  I pulled out an exacto knife.  If my 4 year old hadn't yelled at his older sister and scared me, I would have gone through with it.

I was spared going to the hospital.  J and Dr C were sure they could get me through this.  I wasn't to be left alone, she told J.  I was to take my meds.  I wasn't to be allowed to despense my own meds.  I was to see her 2-3 times a week.  I was to put some time and effort into my DBT book; one chapter a week.  I am to e-mail them both my 3 favorite things of the day in an effort to remind myself that there are good things going on in the midst of my world falling apart.

I can feel myself slowly coming back to Earth.  Slowly.  Going to work this week has helped.  Pretending that everything is now fine has helped. 

Everything is not fine, but we will keep working on that.

Diminished Light

The darkness of the night sets in
Light is diminished, banished for hours
She lays still
Not wanting to awaken her bedmate
Hot tears travel down her cheeks
Wounds of the day
Stubbornness subsides
Heartache sets in
Plans have been made
Thought over time and time again
Each moment accounted for
She doesn't want there to be errors
Once and done
She pushes away the doubt, uncertainty
Decisions have already been made
They must be followed through
Her eyes flicker
One more night
One more day
And then it will be complete

Anhedonia

Anger

Non stop

Hatred of self

Exhausting

Daily struggle

Overly sensitive

Negative thoughts

Insanity

Abounding

MDD SUCKS!

I am fighting, I swear I am.

But Major Depressive Disorder sucks.  Big Time.  We are not friends at all.

This week has been very challenging.  Work has been tough; so many students to see, so little time.  Family life has been tough, my MIL started chemo this week and I have been pretty emotional about it.  Energy has been low since the lapband was filled and I am not consuming many calories.  Sleep is distant; I miss it so!  And, honestly, I have not been good on my meds.  I think that I am about 4 days behind.  Other un-healthy coping skills abound, but I will save that for fear of triggering others.

But I try and fight. I try to wake up every morning and say that today will be better.  I get up, get the kids dressed and fed, and try to go about my day.  I have been making more of an effort to meet my husband for lunch before I start work (I am on 2nd shift at the college advising office the rest of the month).  I try to relax when I get home before sleep (I am addicted to Candy Crush).  It's just not working.

Dr. C would correct me and say that it is working because I am getting up and moving.  I haven't completely shut down and I am still moving forward.

But, man, this sucks.  You know what I feel like, I feel like an addict.  I wake up every morning and say it's going to be different and fail by the end of the day.  Not much different than someone who wakes up in the morning, saying the will not drink, do drugs, etc., and then cheats by the end of the day.

Whatever.

If I haven't said it yet, this sucks.

Being Positive, Just For Today

When You Are At The Crossroads Between Failing and Flying

I've been playing a lot this week and weekend.  Playing on that line between failing and failing.  I have had some AWESOME days this week, when things actually fell into place and I felt I was on a good path.  And I have had some days where I felt like throwing in the towel.  I guess this is recovery, that this is what it's like to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and keep walking.  Dr. C says that recovery is like going up a mountain, but the road is not straight, it has bumps and holes that you fall over and climb out of.

I hate bumps and holes.

For right now, all I can do is keep going.  I need to remember that a stumble is not a failure, it's me learning how to do things a better way.  I need to learn that when I am in the hole that I HAVE the coping skills to get out; I just need to use them.

(Wow, this is a really positive post for me.  Don't worry, it really is me....just in a good place.  I am sure I will be back to blogging in a more negative place later in the week  :)  )

Fakin it 'Til I'm Makin it

Yup....I'm pretty much at that stage....where I will fake and push myself to be happy until I really am.  I was able to pull myself over the down down depths of depression before I bottomed out this cycle, and am working to keep heading back upwards.  I am making myself do things to feel better, taking care of myself, knocking off the nightly drinking, forcing myself to talk and be more honest in therapy sessions.  And, surprise, it's actually working!

I had a session this morning with Dr. C, and it went really really well.  We kept the conversation light, and while we talked about some semi-serious stuff, I didn't let it overwhelm and take over.  Pretty good, huh?

I am still doing 2-a-weeks with Dr. C, and I am ok with that.  I think that I need the extra support as I battle on through this, and, honestly, I would see her every day if I could; I like talking to her that much!

Light post today; here's to a great weekend and a good report on the otherside!