It's Amazing

So, I have been trying this new thing when I go to therapy.  And although I have seen Dr. C for almost a year now, it's a skill I am just now getting.  It's certainly not for lack of trust as I adore her, but more lack of self confidence and self-esteem.  I bet you're wondering what this magical things is....

Talking.

Yup, I am talking in sessions. 

Amazing, right?

I have been struggling for a long time to be able to talk, to trust, to tell myself that what I have to say is worth it and that if/when I do talk for the whole session, I feel SO much better afterwards!  Ironic, isn't it?

The problem is that when I get upset I tend to shut-down.  So there have been weeks in a row where I would show up for my appointments and not be able to say more than a handful of words.  Sometimes I would sit in my chair and cry, sometimes I would be able to at least have eye contact with her, sometimes I couldn't even do that.  But I feel with the events of the past few weeks and me actually making some strides to turn this MDD around, that while I am still miserable on the inside, I am at least making progress.

The only one downside of talking that I have found so far is that the session flies by, and then I have to wait another 167 hours to do it again.  (Well, that's not totally true as I usually see her more than once a week, but it feels more like 167,000 hours sometimes.)

Here's to a better today!  I have another doctor's appointment about my lap-band later this morning, and I am sure that I will be back to blog about that!