What it's like....

It's like a messy closet, the inside of my head.  I think it's just like the closet in Lilli and Abbi's bedroom.  The closet is large; it has two sets of bi-fold doors that open wide.  There is a storage system in the closet that we installed when we were pregnant with Lilli.  On the left is a single bar for hanging, high enough for pants or full dresses.  In the middle is a series of cubbies (4, I think) that are meant to hold folded sweaters, shoes, extra blankets.  Then on the right there are two more hanging bars, for shirts or sweaters or skirts.  There are also two full length shelves that run the length of the closet, perfect for mementos and bigger boxes.  The doors are always closed, but the light is always on so the girls have a little night light.  And when the doors are closed, they are child-proof locked by two sliders at the top.

This is my head.  To a T, this is my head.  There is always a light on.  I am always thinking, there is always brain waves of some sort to be found.  But, like the doors, I am locked.  Locked up tight and locked high where not many can reach.  I have trouble reaching the locks to open the closet doors, and the same goes for my head.  But when I stand on my tippy-toes and will myself to open it, even a crack, a whole lot of mess comes pouring out.

The mess in my head is the same as the mess on the floor of the closet.  Unused baby equipment can symbolize that I have years of childhood that I have yet to let go of.  Really, there is no reason to keep the pack-and-play, yet there it sits.  Just like there is no reason for me to hold on to the abuse of my family, and yet there it sits.  There are boxes of art projects, hand prints, and first scribbles.  Memories that I will want to share some day.  I have those in my head, too.  Boxes and boxes of stories to tell my kids when they get older; stories about them growing up and stories about me and their father growing up.

There is also a huge load of stuffed animals that are no longer "friends".  Some have been discarded because they are ripped or torn, some are dirty and could use a good bath, and some are baby stuffies that are just outgrown.  Again, symbolism!  This could easily represent the people in my life that I am keeping around "just in case" even though they are not needed or wanted.  It's time to clean them up and out.  The ones that are old and dirty maybe just need a washing and then they would be brand new.  These are my friends who are still out there but are neglected and I need to reconnect with.  The stuffies that are ripped and torn are friendships that might have been damaged over the years, but it might be possible to reconnect and patch things up.  As for the toys that I have outgrown, there are so many people in my life that I need to let go of, to let them move on to others that will love and care for them.  It's time for them to go to Goodwill.

Looking at the storage system, well, it was meant to be a place that we could hang and fold clothes and blankets for good use later.  It was meant to help us be organized.  My head has a wonderful organization system as well, I am just not using it very well right now.  Mine, like the closet, is full of clothes and hats that I have outgrown; costumes and dress-up clothes that either don't fit or that I don't want to wear anymore.  But I am not ready to get rid of them for fear I might need them again.  I mean, really, why am I still hanging on to the "lost child without a friend" costume.  I could let that go.  I could also let go of the hats of "ugly sister, unloved adolescent, and tries to hard young adult".  But I hold them, and there pain, just like I hold on to the clothes that no longer fit my girls.

I keep telling myself that I am going to clean that closet, that I will take a few garbage bags and clean it up and out.  I will decide on a few things to keep, maybe a few stuffed animals and a few favorite dresses from when the girls were little just to show them one day.  But it's time for the rest to go; it's time to start using that organizer for it's purpose.  It's time to open the doors and keep them unlocked, so that it is a clean and safe place.