Going Blonde

I am still pretty shaken from yesterday.  It was a hard night, and has turned into a hard day.  J asked if I wanted to talk about it, I said no.  I had e-mailed him what I typed to you all on the blog as I knew that I would not be able to get that all out again.  He was great.  He just held me and let me cry.  This morning we both got to sleep in until about 8AM...which is a huge treat.  J made breakfast, I crawled back into bed after about an hour.  I just didn't want to face the day.  The weight of my sorrow from yesterday still covered me like a heavy blanket, and I didn't/couldn't shake it.  I watched "ArmyWives" on my phone for about two hours, and J took the kids to the local Nature Center to get them out of the house.  A quick lunch for the kidos, Little A put himself down for a nap (I LOVE when he does that), and that left me with time to think.

10 years ago this summer was probably the best summer of my life.  I had just ended a 7 year relationship and felt free.  Totally free.  I was confident in myself, in my appearance, in who I was.  I filled out some online dating website profiles, and before I knew it, I was going on dates left and right.  Some dates lasted hours, one barely lasted 30 minutes.  Some guys came back, some didn't.  And I was fine with it all.  I was young, 25, blonde, in better shape than I am now, and carefree. At the end on the summer, I met J online.  Icing on the cake.  Best. Summer. Ever.

I want to get back to that.  To that confident, sassy, carefree girl that I was.  I want that body back.  I want that hair back.  And, when I am not doing so hot, I tend to make impulse decisions.  So, L had a birthday party this afternoon; dropped her off, stopped at Walgreens, and I now have "Ultra Pale Blonde" sitting on my head.  For about 25 more minutes.  It's either going to make my dark blonde hair just the shade that I want, or come out some horrid shade of redish-blonde.  (My hair tends to turn red very easy).  We will see soon...

Bottom line, putting the dye in my hair has acted as a pick-me-up.  I can literally feel it.  Well, it's either that or the Klonopin I took a little while ago.  I am working to make changes in my life for me, not for anyone else.  I am refusing to let the events of yesterday totally spoil my weekend.  I had planned to take the kids to the beach tomorrow if the weather holds out while J is going on a biking event.  I want to do that, to make good memories for my kids.  I want to go on, because I cannot base the rest of my life on waiting on text messages from my family that may never come.  I need to be here.  I need to be here now.  And, gosh darnit, I need to be blonde!