Anxiety

I can deal with depression.  For me it manifests itself through wanting to just lay in bed all day, doing nothing.  It makes me not want to eat, and hygiene pretty much goes out the window.  I know that if I wait it out, usually 3-4 days, that it will get better.  What I cannot deal with is anxiety.

*Anxiety makes me want to overeat, but my stomach cannot tolerate food so I vomit.

*Anxiety makes me not sleep because I cannot shut my brain down.

*Anxiety makes me think of self-harm because I so desperately want to feel something else.  Pain is a different feeling.

*Anxiety makes me drink, because I cannot sleep and I pray that the numbness of alcohol will help lull me to sleep.

*Anxiety makes me angry, and that, perhaps is the worst.



>I yell at my kids, and they don't deserve that.  At all.

>I scream and swear and pick fights with my husband.  I beg silently for his attention and then violently turn him away when he gives it to me.

>I am sharp with my students, talking in a more condescending tone than I would otherwise.

>I am impatient with people.  I immediately internalize it if I call, text, or write someone and don't get a response.

>I think suicidally.  I make plans in my head and recently have gone as far as to write actual suicide notes both to my husband and all three of my kids.

>I become more forgetful, calling my husband several times to get the answer to the same questions or repeating the same steps at home not realizing that I have already done something.

> Anxiety = Anger = Sadness = Anxiety.  And it becomes a vicious cycle.


I have terribly high anxiety right now, and not even my Klonopin seems to be easing it.  There has been so much going on in the family the past couple weeks, and it has all been building.  Not to mention that I am about to bottom out on my cycle, and I keep trying to push it off/work through it because I know that J needs me to be strong, and Little A's birthday is Thursday so I HAVE to make it until then.  After that, it's all up for grabs.