So, I am sitting at work...

So, I am sitting at work and my mind is racing.  My last 2 student appointments have not show.  It is, after all July 3rd and my guess is most people are already starting vacations versus wanting to come in to register for Fall Classes.

I was hoping for a busy day at work to ease my mind.  It's not here.  I popped a Klonopin before I even started the work day because I was already overly-anxious.  It's not helping.  I am here now to try and type it out, to get it out into cyber-space, in the hopes that it will help calm and relax me.

I am pretty familiar with my "levels" of depression.  Level 1 is just feeling crummy, but able to get up and do stuff with a smile.  Level 2, drop that smile and grumble and complain that everything is too difficult and refuse to do even the simplest of chores.  Level 3, start withdrawing, stop talking to J, talk with a harsher tone to the kids, eat everything in site.  Level 4, stay in bed for as long as possible, stop eating, start making not-so-good plans in my head.  Level 5, full on meltdown, refusing to speak even to Dr. C, thoughts totally consumed with suicide and self-injury.

Today, I am at Level 4.  Not good.  Not good at all.

I have been taking my morning meds, although I HAD to stop the Latuda because the side-effects were overwhelming.  I have an appointment with Dr. H in a week, and hope that he can find an alternative.  I don't think the Wellbutrin alone is working. 

I have had major issues bot yesterday and today with eating.  I just can't do it.  I feel sick to my stomach and the thought of putting food in there makes me want to gag.  And this is from a chronic over-eater.  Not good.  Not good at all.

I have two more days before I have an appointment with Dr. C.  I am trying to avoid e-mailing her, sometimes it just seems like the e-mails are a pathetic waste of time.  I am sure they come across whiny and juvenile, and besides, I don't have the energy for it.

T-minus 3 hours and counting until I can get back into bed, put ArmyWives on Netflix, and just forget about the day.  Right now, it can't come soon enough.