Yeah, so I might not be ok.

I am sure that you have had one of these days...the day that you try and put on a brave face and walk through the world pretending like everything is ok, when really you are DYING inside.

That's today.

J stayed home today, an unusual thing for him to do, but between Nana's cancer and other stressors of life, he was looking for a break and I was more than happy to encourage it.  Although, deep down, I kind of wanted the day to myself, mainly so I could stay in bed and do nothing but sit in my sadness.  But when J takes days off, it is not for just sitting around.  As soon as the nanny got there, we were out the door.  For almost 3 hours we ran errands, got some beloved chocolate, and went to lunch.  Should have been awesome.  Should have been.

I was really distracted.  He had to repeat statements and questions several times because I was off and lost in my head.  He even asked me once if I was with him on this planet or if I was somewhere else.  (I, of course, was somewhere else.)

So....what was distracting me?

1. Thoughts of self-harm that I had last night that I almost gave into.  And that hasn't happened in a long time.

2. Dr. C had sent me a text message that said she was available to meet today if I still wanted, but that would have meant that J and I would have had to end our outing early, and he was so happy we were out that I couldn't disappoint him.  But I really wanted to see her and now I have to wait until Thursday.

3.  I have been back on my meds (for the most part) for 6 weeks now and I still feel that my cycle now is no different than it was when I was completely off meds.  That's very frustrating and makes me want to stop taking them again.  If they are not making a difference, than what is the point?

4.  My mom and I had breakfast on Sunday (still working on a blog about that) and it has left me spinning.  We haven't spoken in a year, and now she would like us to come on Saturday so she can see the kids.  But she doesn't want J to come.  The whole morning with her was painful and confusing and I still haven't been able to process it all (hence why I wanted the appointment with Dr. C).

 ***

So I am now sitting at work, blogging because my student has not showed up for her appointment, and really wishing that I was at home instead.

I take that back, I don't want to be at home.  I just don't want to be.