I really think that is some aspects of my life I got really lucky. Like, really lucky. I have three wonderful children. I have a house that, while small, fits us all and keeps us warm and dry. I have a good part time job, and hope to soon make it full time. I have a rusty mini-van with 100,000+ miles that still gets me from here to there. And, best of all, I have my J.
J and I met almost 10 years ago. Wow, 10 years this September! We met online, on a site called Lavalife. The summer of 2003, I had just ended a long term relationship and my best friend at the time had encouraged me to try online dating. Soon after, I got dreaded mono and was stuck at home for almost 2 months. It was really bad. So, to pass the time, I set up a few online dating sites and started chatting away with a bunch of people, J being one of them. I went on a few dates, but none of them really panned out. Until I met J. I think that we clicked right away. Within weeks we were hanging out together, and I think it was about the month mark that he introduced me to his family. It was moving kind of quick, but it was good. We moved in together within a year, and were married at the end of 2005! Life was good, we were moving along, having lots of babies in a short amount of time (2006,2007, and 2009). Money has often been tight as we elected to send our kids to private day-care and Catholic school, but have been happy.
Then, when I got sick in 2011, I worried what would become of us. I was pushing everyone away, most of all J. He was the only one that I had EVER let get so close to me, and there were times that I just couldn't talk anymore, let alone be held or comforted in anyway. And when I was hospitalized, well, I worried about the strain that it was putting on our marriage. He was essentially a single parent for 18 months. And he didn't complain, not even once. Honestly, not ever. He took a version FMLA leave with work so that he could be home with me when needed (they gave him a year to use the 12 week benefit so that he can pick and choose days that he needs to be home). All I have to do is call or text him and say FMLA and he comes home. When I was in the hospital, he would come and visit me almost every night, counting on his parents to help with babysitting. Some days that meant skipping dinner and eating hospital food just so that he could make it within the given time.
Just being with him makes me feel better. It's almost like he is his own version of an anti-anxiety pill. Seriously, unless the depression is REALLY bad, I cannot help but smile and laugh when I am around him. And he knows it; I think that he secretly prides himself on it. He stands at about 6'1", and I am pushing 5'3", so I fit perfectly under his chin when I need a bear hug. He has a great goatee, and I love the way that it tickles my neck when he kisses me. His eyes are full of compassion and understanding, and I have never felt judged by him through this whole mess. I have been lucky, I snagged one of the best fish in the sea, and I know it....
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