I cannot remember if I have mentioned it on here or not, but my family and I aren't speaking to each other. It's actually been almost a year since we talked. There was a blow-up and misunderstanding over me being hospitalized last year and it all just fell apart. And the consequence of that is that we are now not speaking.
This weekend was Father's Day. Kinda painful. Like picking at a scab that has almost become full skin again, and it stings even when you are not touching it. I miss my Dad. He was my everything. My biological mom left when I was 2, and even though I saw her on and off until I was 12, my Dad was the only stable adult figure for most of those years. (Not to discount my step-mom, but that's a blog for another day.) Anyway, my greatest fear in life was that I would loose my Dad, and it has now happened. Only, I always thought it would be due to death, not that he is 5 miles from me and just refusing to talk and mend fences. So I was not looking forward to the day.
I was more than happy to host J's family on Sunday, and we had a great time, but the only way that I got through it without a breakdown was because I drank. I drank a lot. So much that my voice sounded like Mickey Mouse and passed out about 8:30. Thankfully, I had an appointment with Dr. C this morning and was able to process some of this. Not a lot, I had to go to work after and didn't want to be a big ball of tears, but process enough to get through my day.
Anyway, the last link that I have to my family is Facebook. And seeing all the pictures that they are posting about the weekend and how much fun they had hurts. It hurts a lot. I miss being a part of that. I miss the security of knowing that I had such a large extended family around. I grew up pretty close with my cousins, and was hopefully that my kids would have had the same experience. I am now in the debating stages of whether I should "defriend" my family so that I don't have to see the pictures or see the updates. I was not able to verbalize this to Dr. C at our appointment, so I sent her an e-mail to ask her thoughts and opinions. I am also going to post the question on DepressionForums.org to see what my peers say....
In other news, I made another step in the right direction today, and since I am learning to celebrate little achievements, this counts! I talked with a co-worker about my depression and found out that she has struggled with depression herself since she was 11. She, too, takes medication on a daily basis....OMG....it's so nice to know that there is someone in the office that I can go to if I am having a rough day who will truly understand what I am going through! I didn't go into great detail with her about what the past 2 years have been like, but we talked meds and therapists until I had to see a student (don't you hate it when work gets in the way of the fun?). I was already very friendly with her and I think this just makes me feel more comfortable in my new work space! What a great way to end a bad weekend......
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