OMG, the rain in Chicago today! It started at about 4AM and didn't stop until after 9AM, which means our front yard turned into a lake again, essentially trapping J and I in the house. He is able to work from home, so that's good, and it turns out that there was so much widespread flooding that they closed my college today! We let the nanny still come for the kids, we all went to lunch, and now have shipped them off to the pool so I can have some much needed down time....
Making the best use of my time, I decided to watch a few episodes of ArmyWives on Netflix. I heart ArmyWives. So much drama, so much big hair. This was the episode where Claudia Joy learns that she has diabetes and decides that she doesn't want to tell anyone. She declares over and over to her husband that it is her personal problem and it's no one's business. But, she ends up going into shock and her friends find out anyway (I know, predictable). It made me think, though. How true is this for people with mental illness? How many friends have you told?
For me, telling people when I first starting having symptoms of depression was horrible. Having to ask my boss, the Dean, to adjust my schedule to accommodate doctor's appointments was humiliating. And then having to fill out the paperwork to ask for FMLA leave, beyond embarrassed. I didn't tell people at work that I was leaving, I just couldn't. The timing was bad, my last day at work was the day before the Asst. Dean's wedding that we were all going to, so I just didn't mention it. J and I went to the wedding, acted as if nothing was going on, and kept our mouths shut. We left it up to the Dean to tell people on Monday morning that I was out for at least 12 weeks. I also didn't tell my family at first that I was taking a leave. Again, embarrassment and fear of reaction overwhelmed me. This later came back to bite me in the arse, but at that time it seemed like the right thing. I thought that I was sparing them pain by not sharing mine. As for friends, I told exactly 2 that I was going through this; one of my friends who noticed right away that I was not acting the same and another who I knew was also going through depression and would probably understand. And that's it. For almost 2 years now, I have kept it a secret.
Then I started the new job. I started May 1, so it's not even been 2 months that I have been there. And I love it! The people who I work with are fabulous, and I quickly became friends with one we will call JMR. She is beyond nice, so down to earth, and incredibly funny. We clicked right away. Anyway, the other day I was in her office and I was telling a story about this jerk of a driver and I said, "I was already worked up from being with my therapist for over an hour," and as soon as the words came out I started to panic. She, however, got this big smile on her face and said, "You see a therapist?!?!" It was almost as if she was happy about it. Weird, very weird. She then asked me if I was on medication, and I reluctantly said yes and she got even happier and said that she has been on anti-depressants since her 20's (she is almost 40 now). She then launches into a story about her past experience with therapists and doctors. It was one of the most reassuring feelings that I have had in a long time. Here was someone, whom I had pre-judged as not safe to talk to, who actually has now turned out to be one of my best allies. We have shared stories about childhood, seeing therapists we've hated and loved, what medications work the best for us, how we handle breakdowns. I cannot begin to explain how good it is to know that I have someone in my office who is aware of my situation, is completely non-judgemental, and who I know I can turn to if I need a boost.
Now, does this mean that I am going to run out and tell everyone about my depression? Well, I guess I am on this blog, but I don't think that I will be sharing it anytime soon with my Facebook world. It's a hard call, who to tell and who not to. There are some people who don't understand, who judge and point fingers and laugh. There are some people who will be ubber supportive and can become close friends. It's a flip of a coin, a risk we have to take.
Have you had positive or negative experiences telling people? Stories you'd like to share?
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